It was a quiet winter night three days after Christmas. My almost 14 year old self was lying in bed unable to fall asleep. As I did a couple of times before, I quietly went to my sister's desk and stole a pen she no longer used. I went back to bed, lay down on my stomach and (probably after wetting it in saliva) inserted the smooth end of the pen inside my ass. I didn't know why I frequently got an urge to do this. It just felt like something I needed to do. It filled me with excitement because it was taboo. It also made me a bit ashamed and humiliated that I felt I wanted to do it. As I lay there, sticking my butt up and moving it so that the other end of the pen would I rub against the duvet, stimulating me, I also circled my clitoral glans with my finger.
As I was deciding to stand up and look for something thicker than the pen to put inside me, something happened. I felt a fluttering inside my vagina and my clit got a bit oversensitive. It was very subtle - detectable to only those who know what to look for. I knew! I was so happy - this small orgasm that today I would rate 2 in the scale of 10, produced the strongest afterglow I ever had. I was floating, feeling unity with the universe, love for all things alive and joy that could make me shout from the rooftops about what happened if I wasn't so tired and calm. This was the moment that I felt closest to experiencing something spiritual (I probably still believed in religion then).
The funny thing is that although I knew what masturbation was, I didn't connect that concept with playing with my ass before that night. I also didn't think I was able to make myself come. I thought sex was like tickling - you have to have another person to get results. So masturbating to orgasm was something I considered difficult, maybe impossible for me. Fingering my clit alone didn't bring spectacular results I read about. It was even a bit irritating. So when I got it finally right I was really surprised and proud of myself.
As you can imagine from that day on I was committed to exploring this new sensation. At first I could come once during one night. Then I expanded it to two times. Then I started developing new techniques - eliminating anal stimulation (clean up was inconvenient), adding fantasy, muscle tension, pressure on the introitus.
I'm slightly jealous of girls that got their first orgasms before they even went to school. On the other hand there are women my age who are still waiting. My advice is not to wait. Grab a vibe, put on some erotica. Even if nothing happens you'll have fun trying.
You have to explore, to listen to your instincts - if I hadn't, I wouldn't include anal stimulation and nothing would have happened. That form of pleasure is very important for me. It still is the number one thing I use when something inhibits my orgasm, be it a position or mood. You have to find your own quirks and kinks. It may be hard - we are under a strong pressure to conform to certain standards. We feel disappointed when something doesn't work on us the way the author of this book or that article described it "should".
We have to accept that we are different. Some of us need very direct, intense clitoral stimulation, others prefer gentle touch through the hood. Some of us have a sensitive front wall of the vagina and urethral sponge that likes pressure. Others feel irritated by this kind of stimulation - I'm still on the fence on that one ;). Some of us like their breasts played with, other prefer just having their nipples squeezed while I don't care one way or the other most of the times - I have only two hands and more pleasurable uses for them. I could name a lot more techniques and repeat "some like, others don't" but I think I've made my point.
To complicate matters even more those preferences change - not only during lifetime - as it is expected, but also during menstrual cycle. We have our own patterns - usually with a peak during ovulation. For some there might be another peak just before menstruation, just after or during. My best time might be when you have your worst.
Explore and celebrate the difference!
1 Comments:
well written and interesting blog. thanks.
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