It all started at the end of November. The weather was really cold and snowy, with temperatures reaching 5F (-15°C). Something grew on my cheek. It was a bit painful - at first I thought my acne was acting up again. But then it stared multiplying quickly. I think it grew to half an inch in diameter before I took it to the dermatologist. She said it was herpes. That diagnose gave me a bit of a pause. First of all my Dad has herpes and I must have been exposed to the virus at a very young age but never had any symptoms. Why now? Why not when I had anemia, or when the weather was even less pleasant and I was spending more time outdoors? It also didn't look like herpes I've seen.
Nevertheless I accepted the diagnose, bought the prescribed antiviral and started using it. My face only got worse. It was horrible. It itched, hurt and spread. One of the bumps appeared on my lower eyelid. I started covering it. In a week I was at the dermatologist's again with my face leaking puss. This time I was seen by the other doctor (there are two dermatologists there, it's the only walk-in derm in the city, others are appointment-only with a long waiting list). When I unstuck the gauze she nearly recoiled. She was very sympathetic, asking me about headaches (I had one for so long I stopped noticing it), nausea (ditto) and offering to write a leave from my Uni and asking if I was OK (apart from feeling and looking like shit I was). I declined the leave, thanked her and left to fill the prescription for antibiotics she gave me.
For the next couple of weeks the situation gradually got better. There were some relapses when I finished the course of antibiotics - but they were caught quickly (so quickly that the left side of my face that got the bumps in the second round then didn't scar). I was able to eat the Christmas Eve supper (the most important meal during that holiday in Poland) without putting my family off their's.
Now it's summer. And my face looks almost the same as it did in February or March. My scar is there for the long haul. It's more than a square inch and looks a bit like a bad acne scar. It's red and rough to the touch. I can cover it with make-up to make it less visible - and I did, a couple of times, but that requires acknowledging it and giving it power over me. Once in a while I get some acne. It goes away quickly and doesn't leave a mark. The scar stays the same, the pores sometimes clogging a bit.
Yesterday I was editing my last masturbation video. Most of my work consisted of cropping the image and removing the bloopers (the batteries in my clit vibe went dead and I didn't have the wand handy). I could leave the bottom of my face un-cropped. I have pretty lips (the best part of my face IMNSHO) but they aren't enough to make me recognizable. In stead I blackened the edges of the video. I can't see my scar as beautiful. (And there we go with the moist eyes again.)
Scars can be beautiful. For me their beauty is in what they represent. I've never considered my mothers scars from the C-section or breast removal as ugly. They are the memento of what she went through. Of her suffering but also of her will to survive, to bring me and my sister to the world and to stay here to care for us. What my scar symbolizes? 50% chance of getting to the right dermatologist in the office I visited. I feel like I failed my body. Like I wasn't smart enough, persistent enough, responsible enough to notice that something wasn't right sooner.
I wont deny that some of this post is a blatant bid for sympathy. It kinda is. Don't kick my ass for it.
3 Comments:
Beauty is about so much more than the stuff one can see from the outside. Real beauty comes from within. Having read some of your posts I can tell that you are beginning to see some of that beauty starting to build. You are more confident than before. Let that side of you continue to grow and evolve.
Also, never, ever let anyone else judge you by their standard of what is beautiful. You are the ultimate judge and the only person whose opinion matters. If you believe you are beautiful, then you are.
TAG
PS: I have seen nothing in your blog that leads me to believe you are anything other than a beautiful young woman with a bright future.
I am so sorry you had to live through such a medical problem that left you with scars.
It's easy to say beauty is skin deep when we do not walk in your shoes. But the exterior is really not important, it is what is inside. Let your inside shine through. If people judge from the cover of the book only then they are not worth you wonderful attention.
This is really difficult. However, I recommend strength, not sympathy. I know it is attractive to think that we can be proud of our flaws-- but some just suck. We all have them, to various degrees. I don't think hiding them is a pathology... it gives us strength to ignore (and help others ignore) our flaws. Fuck it. you have some awesomeness in lots of areas, and some shittiness in one. I'd delete this whole post when you are ready so you can focus on what you love about yourself. Because that's what we love -- your love for your self. You don't have to love everything about yourself (difficult as that is), but you don't have to make this all tragic. (I don't want to downplay how much this must suck for you, but seriously, it might be better to deal with it privately)
Post a Comment